Q&A with Kisuke Urahara
by Kevvy Talks
Summary: Now let us delve into the mind of our favorite Looney Tune, Kisuke Urahara. Questions and dares are welcome!
1. Chapter 1

**Q&A with Kisuke Urahara**

**Genre: Humor**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: Now we shall delve into the mind of our favorite Looney Tune, Kisuke Urahara. Questions and dares are welcome!**

**A/N: I've seen quite a few Q&As here and there, and I found them very amusing. Due to lack of motivation to continue my other multi-chaptered fics, I figured I would explore other areas with my skills. For some reason, Kisuke Urahara fascinated me and I decided to do a Q&A of my own with hat-'n-clogs as the attention-grabbing factor of this project. Reviews and requests of any kind are welcome. I do hope this gathers a positive response and that it appeals to the readers. Thank you.**

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><p><strong>Here's Kevvaaaay Talks! <strong>

**Featuring...Kisuke Urahara! **

I pirouette into the spotlight and trip, nose-diving into the cement floor. Dusting myself off, I wave offhandedly to the audience.

"Hello, everybody! And weeeelco-"

"Um...when are you going to let me go?" Then a grumbled "And why are you drawing out the vowels?" I turn to the sound of scuffling and squint through the opaque gloom to see Kisuke Urahara bound to a chair with a bungee cord.

"Hush," I say. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Welcome, readers! This is my Q&A! Here, you are free to ask any variety of questions and/or make requests/dares to Urahara or me, Kevvy—believe me when I say, I'll be glad to perform any manner of challenges you have for me. I will be presenting more characters to following chapters, but for now...it's just me and Urahara." Onimous inflections creep into my voice as I glance in the direction of our well-renowned hat-'n-clogs.

"Aren't we being a tad bit over-dramatic ?" Kisuke questions. I turn and slap him with a fish. "NO!" I bawl. "I deserve to be as staged as I wanna be!" I turn to glower at him.

"This is all _your _fault! If you weren't the only popular character I could drug with chloroform, then I would have someone hotter li-"

"Hey, I'm good-looking—_ruggedly_ good-looking!" Urahara whines, struggling about in his bonds.

I sigh, and then sniffle. "If only the science for resurrection wasn't so impossible, then I could introduce this fic with the awesome-ness of Kaien."

I twirl about and turn on the lights in the dank basement we are secluded in.

"Now for our first dare. Urahara, I dare you..." A menacing pause, and then "to mop!" I slap Urahara in the face with a wet mop and kick a bucket of water and chemical cleaner to his feet. There's a stretched moment of silence.

"But I'm tied up," Urahara points out. I turn to him. "..."

Finally: "Then mop with your teeth." Kisuke blinks, and then commences to lean forward in an attempt to grasp the handle of the mop.

"Meanwhile, you readers think up all sorts of evil questions or dares for our friend here until then next chappy!"

"Hey, if I do this, will you set me free?" Urahara's voice inquires from the background.

"Maybe," I say, and slap him around with a fish again, hindering his efforts to get the mop.

"Oh, and by the way, our next chappy will feature Ichigo and Rukia! They are also included in our fun games, just to make things more appealing. Thank you very much. Until next time!" I wave and then return to torturing Urahara.

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><p><strong>I have no rules for this establishment, so be free to ask or do anything you like.<br>:)**


	2. Chapter 2

****Thanks to: high. on. life, purple13098, ariedling, mamoru-senpai, and alchemistofpeace. ****

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><p>"Helloooo-"<p>

"Can we stop drawing out the vowels?" Kisuke calls, removing the bungee cord from around his body.

I slump dejectedly. "Fine," I say, voice bitter. "Hello, readers."

"Now, was that so bad?"

I grumble incoherently. "Thank you, everybody, for reviewing!"

** high. on. life**: "You are sick and insane. It's amusing. As for your request..." I look over to Urahara, who's eyes widen comically.

"No," he whispers.

I shrug my shoulders. "The readers ask...the readers shall receive." I then proceed to tackle Kisuke and seize power from him by drugging him up and throwing him in a pit with Chad and Uryu, who are almost mindless zombies under the control of a device inbedded in their cranium.

"Noooo!" Kisuke screams. "The horroooor!"

"Quit it. Don't draw out your vowels," I snap, and wander away from the pit to go sit back and have a cup of milk...before recalling that I'm lactose intolerent. I run. Extremely noisy, unnecessary flatulence is heard from the bathroom, followed by a prompt sequences of splashes.

I giggle, continuing to drop rocks into the toilet and step on the whoopie cushion I'd purchased.

"Oh no! The comode! Ah!" I jump back as unsanitary water flows onto the floor. I step out of my lavatory and close the door behind me just as Urahara limps into view, his stance all bow-legged. "Okay, Kisuke. Time for the next one," I tell him.

**purple13098: "I double that 3way thing." :) **"Thanks. Kisuke suffered a great deal for your enjoyment," I say brightly. "**Anyway, my dare is for him to go shirtless."**

"Okay." I turn to Kisuke, who is still under the influence of foreign narcotics. He complies rather perfunctorily, fingers fumbling with his clothing.

"C'mon, are you high?" I cry when a few minutes pass and all he can do is grope about at nothing. "Oh, wait, you are high." I walk over and take off his haori and everything else above the waist. "Ah! I'm blinded!" I fall back on my ass, entranced by the god-like abs of Kisuke.

"Now, we shall take note of the homosapians pectorals and deity-like bodice," I say, swatting Kisuke with a switch stick.

"Ow!" he cries, snapping out of his drug-induced stupor. "Um...why am I naked above the waist?"

"Because **purple13098 **requested it," I tell him, and begin waving my hands around his pronounced muscles. "See, purple130-oh, what the fuck is with all the numbers? From now on, I'm going to call you Purplenurple. How do them apples sound? Purplenurple, this is Kisuke Urahara in the flesh. Behold!" I poke him in his navel, and Kisuke leaps back. "Hey!" I begin polishing Kisuke's biceps and swivel to face the audience.

**ariedling: "What is the history of Jinta and Ururu?"**

"I gave birth to them," Kisuke said bluntly.

"WHAT?" I scream.

"No, really. Back when I was just a newbie to the Department of Research, I accidentaly inbibed a potion."

"How the hell do you _accidentally _inbibe something?" I question.

He ignored me. "Anyway, when I was exiled from Soul Society, I was already 4 weeks pregnant."

"How did you give birth?" I inquire.

"C-section."

"Liar."

"Yep."

"So you _are _lying? You fabricated the whole thing?" I press.

"Yes."

"You did lie," I confirm.

"No."

"WELL, WHICH ONE IS IT?" I howl.

"That's a secret," Kisuke says, grinning.

**momoru-senpai: "Urahara, eat Inoue-san's food."**

"Okay," he says simply, unawarest to the horror of Inoue's concoctions.

I hand him a plate of spaghetti, which looks ordinary enough to the naked eye.

Urahara takes up his chopsticks and shoves a whole mouthful into his piehole.

"Wow," I murmur. He freezes, body stiff. A second passes and Urahara's knees buckle and he collapses on the floor, seizures wracking his body. A whole lot of foam dribbles down his chin.

He continues to buck and flop around like a fish. I pick my nose, bored.

"Meh...you can stop pretending now," I say. He finally lies still, a pile of sick spattered on the floor next to him. "Okay...so you weren't faking it. Oh well." I call a medic and address the next opportunist.

**Alchemistofpeace: "Ooh, this should be good!" **

"Yeah, it's a real hoot," I say blandly. "Someone give _me _a dare!" I begin to cry melodramatically.

**"May I hold Urahara-san's hat?" *holds out hands with puppy eyes on face***

"Well, how could Urahara or I resist such a cute face?" I walk over and snatch up Urahara's hat from his mop of blonde hair as he is being strapped down on a gurney by paramedics.

"NOOO!" he screams, abruptly coming to. "NOT THE HAT! THE HAT IS GOD, YOU FOOLS!"

Urahara bellows deliriously, thrashing about as the aides strap him down.

I toss the hat to Alchemistofpeace. "Enjoy! But make sure to bring it back soon, or Kisuke'll go insane and do something stupid which will miraculously cut this fic short."

Suddenly, Ichigo and Rukia walk onto the scene. Ichigo looks mildly disgusted by the sight of Kisuke. Rukia is too busy looking at me.

"Who are you?" she questions.

"Your master...for now," I say.

"No way," Ichigo snorts, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"Yes, way," I tell him, reinforcing my words with a deadly glare.

**loverofgin: "Okay, my question: Is this...going to be more show-based...like very true to the actual show, or more of your own invention? Random, I know."**

"Not at all. As for your question, I guess it will be a little of both. With the way this thing is going, I can't imagine it being anything like the original show."

**"And my request/dare: Could you please, please, please do a chapter in which Yoruichi is there with him, talking? I always think they are so cute and funny together!"**

"Sure. I'll get to it whenever possible."

"Hey! ARE YOU IGNORING ME?" Ichigo cries.

"Yes," I tell him. "Well, until next time, readers! Ichigo and Rukia will be included in our activities, so if you have any dares or questions for them, just ask!"

"WHAT? NO WE WON'T!" they shout in unison.

"Yes, they will," I assure, and bring out my switch stick.

**To be continued...**


	3. Chapter 3

****Thanks to all who reviewed! :)****

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><p>"Ow, ow, ow! OW, YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Ichigo shrieks, dodging and somersaulting as I chase after him with my switch stick and continuously hit him with it.<p>

"Hello-o-o, r-readers!" I pant, pausing to take a breather.

Ichigo halts, glancing back at me wearily. Rukia looks on rather boredly from the sidelines, arms crossed over her somewhat lacking bosom. Speaking of such...

"Hey, Ichigo, I gotta question for you," I say, "just to start off this chapter for our readers."

"Fine," he gives in, patting his jeans down and getting up off the ground.

"What do you think of Rukia's breasts?"

"WHAT?" the two screech. Rukia gapes, hands falling limply by her sides. Ichigo, who is flushed scarlet, looks like he would give to be standing anywhere but here.

Kisuke, ignorant to everything going on, lie on the gurney we'd left him on last chapter, holding an ice pack to his head.

"I mean, you're a guy, after all. You've gotta have some kind of insight. Don't you think their abnormally sm-"

"ABNORMAL?" Rukia sqwuaks. "HOW DARE YOU?" She balls her fists up intimidatingly.

"Well, Ichigo?" I question, disregarding her without even a glance in her direction.

I just stared at Ichigo gravely, screwing with him mentally.

"I...I really wouldn't know anything about that..." His eyes flicker to Rukia.

"Dude...you totally just looked at her breasts," I tell him.

"NO, I DIDN'T!" he shrieks, voice shooting up a couple of octaves.

"ICHIGO!" Rukia wails, stomping her foot.

"I DIDN'T!"

"We could ask someone else who has a more...honest opinion." I emphasize my words by squinting my eyes at Ichigo, whose complexion looks a whole lot like that of a tomato.

"Renji's in Bermuda on vacation...but-" I pause ominously "-I did just recently finish my beautiful ressurection machine, so we could ask Kaien for his view on things."

"Yeah, right," they both announce, "there's no such thing." I whirl around to face them.

"DON'T RUIN MY GOOD MOOD!"

**kalthurin: "How about having Kisuke test some of his more grandiose inventions on himself, although it depends on how depraved you want to be with him."**

"I'm very depraved," I assure. Kisuke groans when he hears his name and lifts himself up into a sitting position, his jaw slack and gaping for any number of flies to soar into his mouth.

"Here," I say, waving a beaker of some kind of pink liquid that I'd pilfered, among other things, from his shop just after I'd abducted him. "Drink it."

"You don't even know what that does," he tells me, voice garbled. I pry his mouth open and pour the substance in. "Down the hatch," I say, and slap him on the cheek afterward to make sure he doesn't doze off before we could get to the finale.

**maaka oro: "Love the idea, mate. lol. Anyway, I dare Rukia to sit on Ichigo's lap, and Ichigo to play his guitar for her.**

"Well, that's not all that bad," I say.

"No!" Ichigo shouts. "Uh-uh." He shakes his head to highlight his verdict of the matter.

"You don't have much of a choice in the ma-" I pause. "Kisuke, what are you doing?"

Kisuke sits there, perched on the edge of the gurney, absent-mindedly poking his nipples.

"They're sensitive," he tells me, bottle-green eyes wide.

"Um...Okay..." I gaze at him stupidly for a moment and then pivot on my heel. "Anyway..." I begin, feeling awkward. "I thin-"

"Oh, for Pete's sake," Rukia cries, throwing her arms into the air and striding over to Ichigo.

She shoves him onto his ass and plops herself down onto his lap without so much as batting her lashes. Her outer air was stony, but to me it just looked like she was constipated or something.

"Ngh..." I turn to Ichigo, who is sitting ramrod straight.

"Stop being such a wuss, Ichigo," Rukia admonishes, arms tautly folded across her chest.

"It could be worse." Her reminder doesn't seem to ease his posture in the slightest.

"That's easy for you to say," he says through gritted teeth.

"Actually, it's not."

"Fuck..."

"Excuse me?" Rukia hisses, having presupposed discorrectly that he had meant to say "fuck you".

She jumps to her feet and snatches his guitar up from my hands, which I have just retrieved from an inter-dimension portal, and smashes it over his head. The musical instrument splinters into pieces. Luckily, Ichigo lives, but I have to recall the paramedics and this time it is the strawberry who gets tied down to the gurney.

**Alchemistofpeace: "I know the hat is God, that's why I wanted to hold it."**

"Don't we all?" I grumble. "**You can have it back, Urahara-san." *hands the hat back***

Urahara takes the hat tentatively and begins stroking it. "I'm cramping," he states. "And I think I just started my period."

"What the hell was in that potion, estrogen?" I say incredulously.

Rukia sympathizes. "Do you need some Midol? Chocolate? Pads?" Urahara accepts the offer, his bottom lip quivering uncharacteristically.

**"Now, Rukia-" **

"Yes?" Rukia raises her head from where she kneels beside Urahara, who is devouring one of her emergency chocolate bars like it's the last one on earth.

**"-can I have one of your crap-*coughcoughcough* I mean, awesome-"**

"WERE YOU JUST ABOUT TO SAY, 'CRAPPY'?" Rukia screams.

**-"awe-inspiring, bunny pictures of epicality?**

Ichigo laughs feverishly from where he lies bound to the gurney. "'Epicality' is not a word."

"Yes, it is. It's a word in the DICTIONARY OF INVENTIVE MINDS!" I declare dramatically, pointing my finger heavenward.

"Hm," Rukia muses nearby. "I guess I could. I actually do feel like drawing." Unpacking her box of crayons and colored pencils, Rukia proceeds to lie down on her stomach and draw.

**"Ichigo-"**

"Who, me?" Ichigo looks surprised and alarmed that he is being called on again.

**"-Rukia or Orihime? (Please, for the love of Urahara's hat, say Rukia!)**

"To what are we inferring? This game?" he inquires. "Last time I played a game with Orihime, it was an RPG. We didn't get five minutes into it and she was convinced that she was the Lord Zore. She literally thought I was her 'dark prince' or something."

"I think Alchemistofpeace is implying personal relationships," I tell him.

"Oh. Well, I guess it would be Rukia. We've been through everything together since I became a Soul Reaper."

Rukia noticeably smiles from she is was curled up on the ground and then shoots up with paper in hand. I take the horribly drawn picture of a bloated bunny and hand it to Alchemistofpeace.

"Here ya go." In a lower voice, I whisper, "Burn it."

**darkdoll25: "I dare Rukia and Ichigo to go on ONE date together and be forced in a tiny closet to talk about their feelings. LOLOL. Hah, that would be torture."**

"Yes, it would," I murmur.

The paramedics unstrap Ichigo from the gurney and swerve away in their ambulance.

With that, he and Rukia commence to go into town and look for a suitable place to dine.

Unfortunately, they only last about half an hour before things begin to get gritty.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO IN? YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED THIS PLACE!" Ichigo screams, causing passerby to glance in their direction, particularly at him, as he is flailing around in fury.

"No, I didn't! YOU did!"

"And you said, 'Okay, let's go'!"

"You know what? YOU ARE SO DAMN DIFFICULT!" Rukia screams, cheeks flushed with ire.

"AT LEAST _I'M _NOT FOUR FEET, SEVEN INCHES OF A MADDENINGLY INDECISIVE MIDGET!"

Feeling that things are getting out of control, I shoot the two with a tranquilizer gun and stride casually over to their unconscious forms. Using my hands, I open up a round, conspicuous looking portal and dive into it with Ichigo and Rukia in tow. Landing in the Kurosaki household, I pull the two into Ichigo's room and shove them into his closet. I meld it closed with a blow torch.

**30 minutes later...**

"Um..." Ichigo mumbles.

"Yeah," Rukia says.

"So..." he begins.

"I wonder how long we'll be in here."

He slumps. "I don't know."

"Yep..."

"Yeah," he says awkwardly.

"Shouldn't we be talking about our feelings or something?" Rukia grumbles, her words almost jumbling together.

Ichigo stammers unintelligibly, flustered. Good thing she couldn't see him...

"I'd rather not." He yelps as her thigh brushes up against his.

"Sorry," she says, and brings her knees up to her bosom. Her legs are starting to cramp up...

And what with Ichigo taking up the other side of the closet, there wasn't any space to stretch out.

It looked like they were going to be here for awhile...

**In another dimension-my dimension: **

**high. on. life: "Okay, so, Kisuke, where's Soi Fon hidden her stash of Yoruichi pictures?"**

Kisuke looks up from where he is sitting alone in my abode.

"Oh. Um...it's really not secluded to pictures. She actually has an entire shrine of Yoruichi. She worships it seven days a week for 15 minutes in the morning and the duration of noon after she gets off work.

Don't ask me how I know that...As for the photographs, well, she keeps one in her uniform for the entire day when she's on duty. There's also one under her pillow. The rest are for the purpose of the shrine."

"God, that's nasty," I say, materializing out of nowhere.

**loverofgin: "Excuse me, Kisuke, I already own a copy of your hat."**

"Yay! A fan who doesn't want to torture me!" Kisuke cheered.

**"So...would you marrry me?" :)**

"Okay!" Kisuke says happily, snapping his fan out from nowhere and grinning broadly.

"That's great!" I exclaim, whipping out my writing pad. "Now, we'll need to compile a list of guests, order your wedding gown, get Kisuke a suit. Ah, Kisuke, you need to shave."

"Aw...I like my stubble!" he whines.

"Okay," I say, giving in, and go back to writing down the supplies for the wedding ceremony.

"Until next time, everybody!"

**To be continued...**

**Introducing next chapter: BYAKUYA!**

"NOOO!" Ichigo and Rukia howl, trying to break out of the closet.

**The following chapters will contain Ichigo, Rukia, Byakuya, and Kisuke, so for any of you that have questions or dares for any of them, I suggest you get to it quick! Thank you all!**


	4. Chapter 4

****Thanks to all of you wonderful readers for reviewing!****

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><p>Everything is so quiet you could have heard a pin needle drop. The gritty electric charges going through the air don't help at all. Byakuya cradles his cup of tea modestly, his narrowed eyes boring holes into Ichigo, who sat by Rukia, both in chairs across from the regal aristocrat.<p>

"Byakuya," I say, eyes shimmering, "can I please touch your hair?" He glances at me with slight disdain. It might have had something to do with the fact that I'd drugged him with chloroform while he'd been practicing the art of calligraphy and had dragged him here.

"If you must," he murmurs, and lifts his cup up with slender hands to sip at the tea I'd fixed him.

I reach over and touch his soft, silky locks and squeal with delight.

Ichigo looks, to be quite blunt, disgusted by my fangirl moment.

Kisuke is standing nearby with a couple of tailors as they get the measurements for his suit.

"I'm getting married," he says dreamily to Byakuya.

"Yes. So you have said...for the past couple of minutes," the nobles says with aggravation.

**loverofgin: "For the guests: Whoever. Kisuke can pick. Screw the dress. And, Kisuke, I don't care WHAT you look like, be a good boy and listen to Miss. Kevvy."**

"Okay," Kisukes says, a bit grudgingly.

"Hey! Don't make it sound as if I'm the worst person in the world! I'm running this show, you know!" I howl.

"**Byakuya, do you ever confuse Rukia with Hisana?"**

Byakuya abruptly begins chocking on his warm beverage, spluttering and coughing a moment before he manages to regain his composure.

A light flush colors his complexion as he contemplates the most suitable answer.

"Ah...Sometimes. Like when she gets angry-she always wrinkles her nose like Hisana when she's frustrated or when she doesn't get her way. They both have the same mannerisms," he says.

Rukia blushes from across her adoptive brother, flattered.

**Hotaru-Naichingeru: "I dare Byakuya to make a Facebook account and post one embarrassing photo of himself on it once a day for a year! (Describe a few, please)"**

"You needn't worry. I would have described it in detail even without your asking. I'm good at that kind of thing," I say evilly.

"How vulgar," Byakuya says scathingly.

"Do it," I tell him.

"I'll do no such thing," he says, finalizing his decision.

"But I've got a failsafe," I whisper mysteriously.

"What?" Byakuya questions blandly.

I fluidly whip out a huge picture-actually, "picture", is an understatement, 'cause this thing is a big-ass poster-of Byakuya as a kid, posing proudly, and might I add conceitedly at the time, for the Woman's Committee Fanclub that had been established in his honor.

His hair was drawn back in a loose ponytail, with his head lolling back sexily. It must have been hot that day because a fine sheen of sweat coated his skin. His _haori_ had been discarded, leaving him naked above the waist.

The jaw-dropping detail about the poster was that Byakuya sported a silver nipple ring.

"OH MY GOD!" Rukia shrieks, slapping her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.

Ichigo is already tossing around on the floor, laughing his ass off.

Byakuya looks mortified, or, for a better word, petrified from the shock. Due to his handicapped state, I went ahead and make his Facebook account for him before posting the humiliating picture.

It gets tons of raves and comments, including people from Soul Society.

**Renji Abarai: Is that you, captain? WAHAHA! YOU LOOK SO RIDICULOUS!**

**Genrei Kuchiki: What a mess...**

**Yamamoto Shigekuni Genryusai: Such a disgrace.**

**Rangiku Matsumoto: U R SUCH A HUNK, CAPTAIN KUCHIKI! WHY DIDN'T U EVER TELL US U WERE A FASHION MODEL?**

**Gin Ichimaru: Ew.**

"Well, that just about sums it up," I say.

**Alchemistofpeace: "Rukia: What! Me, say your drawings are crappy! I would never do such a thing! I have a...a speech problem, alright?"**

Rukia crosses her arms and grumbles, "I still think you meant to say, 'crappy'."

**Byakuya: "How you do you feel about Rukia and Ichigo's relationship?" *takes out video camera***

Byakuya looks straight into the lens. "I detest it." Ichigo and Rukia raucously fall over in their chairs.

**Urahara: "Aww, you poor thing!" :( *strokes his hair* **Kisuke smiles and leans up into the touch.

"DON'T FORGET YOUR GONNA GET MARRIED!" I scream at him, causing him to topple over.

**"My periods are really, really mild. I usually don't know when they're coming. I wish I could give you some advice but...I got nothing."**

"That's okay!" Kisuke says cheerily. "Luckily, the effect of the estrogen wore off overnight. I'm alright, now."

**"Kevvy Talks: You need a dare. I dare you to, um...oh! I got it! I dare you to steal Yachiru's candy stash. If you survive, I want some."**

"YEEEAAAH!" I yell, causing everyone to jump. I pump my fists. "I FINALLY GET A DARE!"

"A life-threatening one," Ichigo tells me.

"WHO CARES?" I dash off, and, using my portal, I jump through and end up in the eleventh barracks.

There's a crescent moon out and the gloom of evening permeates the atmosphere of the renowned stables of the eleventh squad. I don my ninja uniform and creep off until I find Yachiru's room, which isn't hard to detect considering the door is plastered with kid's drawings.

I stealthily sneak in and glance over to the outline of the girl's sleeping form under the mounds of blankets and stuffed animals she has piled on her _futon. _A typical kid's room, I think, and sneak over to her closet.

As soon as I slide the door open, heaps upon heaps of candy crashes down on top of me. I go still. It appears that Yachiru is a sound sleeper. Her breathing is still shallow.

I dig myself out of the mountain and commence to stuff my robes and a duffel bag full of candy.

"What are you doing?" I freeze, turn fractionally, smile once at Yachiru, who is glaring at me through slitted eyes, and I dive for the window. I hear an animalistic screech just before Yachiru tackles me to the ground and begins tearing my hair out.

"OH GOD HAVE MERCY!" I howl. "AAAAAH!"

**24 minutes after extensive torture...**

I pant, clothes tattered, skull fractured, and dig out what little candy I managed to get away with and give it to Alchemistofpeace. "Remember from whom this was taken," I say, and stagger away to find my special potion which will grow my hair back.

**Alicia H. Heart: "So here's my dare. I dare Kisuke to go up to Komamura, pet him and call him a little puppy..." *evil madman laugh* "Let's see what happens."**

Kisukes nods and hops into my portal. Using his invisible cloak, he dashes to the captain's headquarters in the seventh barracks. He hides in a bush as Lieutenant Iba passes by and then dives into Sajin Komamura's courters.

"Yes...?" Komamura questions, perplexed by the sight of the cloaked figure crumpled on his floor, breathing heavily from the effort it took to run here. Kisuke quickly crawls on all fours over behind Komamura's desk and stands up to face him. They both stare at each other.

Kisuke breaks the still moment by reaching out and petting Komamura on the head.

"Good little puppy," he says, voice quavering a bit from nervousness.

The 7th captain's eyes narrow. "I'm a wolf," he points out.

"Nope, you're a puppy," Kisuke squeaks. Komamura growls. Kisuke flash-steps away.

**kalthurin: "I want to see Byakuya and Ichigo sit down for a long, and I mean LOOOOONG heart to heart talk to get to the bottom of why he dislikes Ichigo, with Rukia able to watch through a one way mirror and to also find out if he would allow Ichigo and Rukia to be together."**

Due to the fact that Byakuya and Ichigo are already sitting down across from one another, I-now having a new head of hair-merely have to remove Rukia from her chair and take her into a room I'd ironically built the day before with a one-way mirror.

"So...uh," Ichigo begins

"There's nothing to discuss," Byakuya says, taking a sip of his tea. "I don't like you because you are brash and impertinent. Your means of a social life contend with that of a Kuchiki. You weren't brought up with proper etiquette suitable to my house, and your appearance-" he highlights this with a sniff as he looks over Ichigo disapprovingly "-is offensive."

"As for this long conversation we were challenged to participate in, it appears to have come to a close. I will say no more."

"But you didn't say whether you would consent to Ichigo and Rukia being together," I whisper from nearby.

Byakuya merely blinks. "My response to the first question is every bit as fit an answer for that."

"Well, _that _didn't last long," I mutter. Ichigo, for once, didn't say anything. He seems to be brooding. Rukia is taciturn.

**Katsumi Hatake: "OMG, I cracked up to this. Poor, poor Kisuke."**

"It's good to know someone feels sorry for me," Kisuke mumbles, adjusting his tie and smoothing out the creases in his suit.

**"Anyways, I have a dare that involves Ichigo, Rukia AND Byakuya. Heh heh heh...I dare Ichigo and Rukia to get married (Yeah, LEGIT married...) in front of Byakuya and I dare Byakuya not to protest at all. Being evil is so much fun..."**

"Yes, it is," I agree. "Due to loverofgin's wedding coming up, we don't have the funds to get you all the shenanigans for a proper ceremony, so you'll just have to wed as you are."

"If you think I'm just going to-" Byakuya stops mid-speech as he realizes he can't move.

"This is my game now," I tell him. "You are bound to the rules of this world. If a reader says you can't protest, you can't." I whip out a Bible and take Ichigo and Rukia up to an altar that I just made materialize into thin air and begin reading some random Scripture.

"W-wait!" Ichigo cries, flushed.

"What?" I ask. "Are you objecting?"

"N-no! I mean, ye-AAAAH!" I bend his wrist, pressing my thumb into a pressure point. "Don't resist," I tell him.

"OKAY! OKAY! MERCYYYY!"

Rukia crosses her arms and rolls her eyes heavenward. "Please. Can we hurry?" she asks, fidgeting.

"Yes," I say, and release Ichigo, allowing him to crumple onto the floor.

"Blah, blah, blah, you are now man and wife. You may kiss the bride." I slam the book closed and look down at the groom, who is hyperventilating.

"I SAID, KISS THE BRIDE, DAMMIT!" I shriek. Rukia nudges Ichigo with her foot as he struggles to his feet.

**Skywalker T-65: "Hmm...this is a very funny story."**

"Yeah, you're interrupting the wedding," I say.

**(enters sadistic mind mode) "Ichigo: Kiss Rukia full on the lips right in front of Byakuya."**

**"Rukia: See above..."**

"I was just...gonna do that," Ichigo says breathlessly. Rukia stands on the tips of her toes and grabs him by the front of his shirt, dragging him down to meet her.

"Oh," I say, watching as they get each other smack on the lips.

An enraged sound comes from the pews as Byakuya breaks from his paralysis and stands upright.

"You can't protest," I say.

"No one said anything about _killing _him."

**Skywalker T-65: "Byakuya: Don't murder Ichigo for his dare, or, at least don't do any permanent damage."**

"I can't promise that," Byakuya murmurs, and unsheathes his zanpaku-to.

"Eeep!" Ichigo squeaks, breaking away from Rukia.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

"AAAAH!" Ichigo slams through a wall and begins running with a thousand cherry blossom petals on his heels.

**"Kisuke: Get to work making something to bring Kaien back (I second the whole Kaien is awesome thing). Or burn your hat (now that would be interesting...)."**

"NOOOO! THE HAT IS GOD! YOU CAN'T BURN IT! I WON'T LET YOU!" Kisuke howls uncharacteristically.

"Your first dare was good," I say, "but fortunately, I can already do that. It's my new inter-dimension portal." I open the aforementioned portal, which is just a big circular space in the wall.

I jump in and vanish completely.

**To be continued...**

**Ichigo and Byakuya have left the game for now under certain circumstances (meaning their killing one another). In the next chapter, we will have Kisuke, Rukia, Yoruichi and a special mystery guest entering our games. :) Have fun reviewing!**


	5. Chapter 5

Kisuke looked wearily around the room, eyes scanning for anything that wasn't an inanimate object. Rukia had left to get a smoothie and Ichigo and Byakuya were somewhere in another dimension murdering one another. He stretched his legs out from where they'd been tucked under his chin and hesitantly stood up. There was no one around...He might as well...

"Hello, readers!" he called, smiling. "Kevvy isn't right now, so I'm going to host this-"

"WHO SAID YOU COULD BE THE HOST!" I scream, hurtling through my inter-dimension portal and crashing into Kisuke, sending him somersaulting ass over teakettle into the far wall.

"THIS IS MY SHOW!" I declare, jabbing my thumb to myself.

**Alchemistofpeace: *frown* "Byakuya: Your response was disappointing."**

"He doesn't really aim to please," I say.

**"For punishment, YOU MUST UNDERGO TESTING BY MY LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER IN BLEACH, A. K. A, MAYURI KUROTSUCHI! WAHAHAHAHA!"**

"If he can even catch Byakuya. He does have an excellent _shunpo," _I point out.

Everyone goes still, listening for the telltale far off screams of Byakuya being tortured.

"Maybe he didn't get caught," Kisuke says, and adds, "You dirtied my suit." Positioning himself right side up so that his butt is no longer sticking up in the air, he adjusts his tie.

"Or maybe he's just the suffer-in-silence type," I say, and shrug my shoulders.

Behind me, my inter-dimension portal, which has been left standing wide open, contracts and spits up an indistinct figure which vanishes behind my leather couch.

"Wh-what was that?" Kisuke asked, bottle-green eyes wide.

" I don't know," I tell him. "When I went into the portal, I ended up in Madagascar with a guru who told me something along the lines of 'finding my path' and 'getting what I desire'."

"And what do you desire?" Kisuke asked.

"How am I supposed to know?" I howl, racking at my hair in frustration. "I'm a very indecesive person!" I let out a long-drawn-out breath and let my hands fall limply by my sides.

"Only one way to find ou-" I begin, stepping towards the piece of furniture.

The blurry figure from before stood up, startling me and Kisuke.

"EEP!" We both jumped back.

"I'm alive!" Kaien shouts.

"You're alive!" Kisuke and I announce in unison.

I cross my arms. "So _that's _what I desire. Aw, man, I thought it was going to be Tite Kubo." I deflate.

**Hotaru-Naichingeru: "I dare Kaien to dance the macarena and post it on Youtube."**

Kisuke and I topple over sideways. "HOW DID YOU KNOW THE MYSTERY GUEST WAS KAIEN?"

"Excuse me," Kaien speaks up. "Where am I?" He looks around, confused.

I crawl over to him on my knees and bend down. "I worship you," I say, groveling.

"My name is Kevvy Talks. For all intensive purposes, I have restored you to your former glory so that you can be on my show, Q&A with Kisuke Urahara. Now you must participate."

"Oh," he says blankly. Someone screams. I turn around just as there is a wet splash and Rukia's smoothie rolls off out of view, its contents spattered all over the floor.

I bring out my walkie-talkie. "Clean-up on aisle three," I say, and two janitors dash onto the scene and get down on their knees to scrub the soiled area.

"Oh, boy, here we go." I bring out my universal remote control and fast-forward through the sappy reunion. When I finally press play, Rukia is dabbing at her cheeks with a tissue.

"YOU FAST-FORWARDED US!" she snarls, angry.

Kisuke looks like he is about to fall asleep.

"It was a very serious matter. It couldn't be helped," I say. I press another button on my remote control and latino music to the beat of the Macarena begins playing.

Kaien hesitates, and then begins to go through a string of movements with me helping him in the choreography. "I DON'T WANNA LOOK BUT IT'S SO SEXY I HAVE TO!" I wail.

Kisuke smiles, copying our routine as Kaien jumps and claps his hands and turns a quarter-turn to the left, then repeats the sequence. I am still reeling from the horror of the Macarena by the end of the song, so Kisuke has to post the video on Youtube. It gets raves and comments from people including those in Soul Society.

**Yachiru Kusajishi: Way to go! I thought you were dead, Swirly! Look, Kenny, it's Swirly!**

**Kenpachi Zaraki: How stupid.**

**Yamamoto Shigekuni Genryusai: I must be seeing things...**

**Jushiro Ukitake: Kaien, is that you?**

**Hotaru-Naichingeru: "I dare Kisuke to do the running with the bulls. Rukia, please film it all. (It's an easy task, just ride the back of one of the bulls.)"**

"Well, you heard her," I say to him. Kisuke looks apalled. "But my wedding!" he cries. "My suit!"

"Where you're going, you'll hardly need anything but your underwear!" Rukia covers her eyes as I strip off Kisuke's suit, leaving him in nothing but underwear with hearts printed all over them.

"..." I stare.

"They were a gift from Yoruichi," he murmurs, flushed.

"Oh, poor Kisuke," a voice purrs, and Yoruichi strids into the room. "Sorry I'm late. Traffic," she explaines, looking in my direction.

"What traffic?" we all ask, and she flashes a chesire-cat grin. Yoruichi pushes us out the door she entered from and we all step out into Pamblona, Spain.

"Whoa." I whistle, impressed. Residents of the town immediately began herding us from behind, trying to get to the gates that cordoned off the streets for the bull run. In our haste to get out of their way, we get separated from Kisuke and Yoruichi.

"Well...if Kevvy isn't here I guess this means I don't have to do it, right?" Kisuke sighs heavily, reassured of his welfare now. "Wrong," Yoruichi says, and shoves him up over the barricade and into the street.

A low rumble travels through the ground, like the beginnings of an earthquake, and Kisuke screams as he sees a herd of bulls stampeding in his direction, with Rukia as its jockey.

In her hand, she held a videocamera that was taping the whole thing.

"GAH!" Kisuke jumps to his feet and begins racing away. Of course, as a lazy shopkeeper, he didn't get much action outside the Shoten, therefore he was more than unfit for a bull run.

Rukia's bull caught up to him in no time and trampled him down. "Ow," Kisuke croaks after being stomped into the ground repetitively. "Ooooh."

I snap my fingers and all the residents of the town vanish, their laughter over Kisuke's misfortune echoing around the streets.

**"Kaien, when you're finished, hm... (sadistic smile) WEAR A MANKINI! (Bikini for guys)."**

"NOOOOO!" I scream, and point my finger at Hotaru-Naichingeru. "HOW DARE YOU! I'LL NEVER LET YOU DEFILE HIM!"

"It's really...not that big a deal," Kisuke says from where he has been flattened to the ground by the bull's hoofs.

"It _is _a big deal!" I insist. "This fic is rated T, you know. There's no way I'm going to upgrade to a rated M. Believe me when I say a mankini is worth an M."

"An M+, you mean," Rukia said.

"Then there's only one way we can go about this with our dignity intact," I say...and bring out my universal remote control. I close my eyes and fast-forward the whole process.

The whole time, I could hear Kisuke's rushed screams going, "NOOOO! NO! OH GOD NO!" simply because he hadn't been given the chance to cover or close his eyes like everybody else.

**kalthurin: I have a dare. Kisuke, I want you to hang from the ceiling by your toenails and simulate a piniata while Rukia and Yoruichi try to break you open (EVIL GLEAMS THROUGH HIS EYES). And special guest, whomever you are, is to spray him with ice water constantly."**

"I already think Kisuke's suffered quite a bit," I say, looking over at Kisuke, who is lying on the pavement, petrified, nose bleeding profusely from the sight of Kaien in a mankini.

It wasn't hard to get him tied up what with Kaien and everyone helping, but unfortunately his toenails couldn't support his weight and they were torn from his skin. "GAAAAAH!"

"Oops," I say. "Sorry." We retie him to the ceiling, this time by his feet, and Rukia and Yoruichi pick up two baseball bats and approach him.

"Yoruichi, why?" Kisuke whimpers pitifully. She shrugs. "The rules are the rules, Kisuke," she says. The poor shopkeeper yelps as Kaien brings out a firehose and blasts him with ice cold water. "WAAAAGHH!" he cries, voice garbled. His cries are cut short as Yoruichi and Rukia begin beating him repetitively with their baseball bats. By the end, let's just say he's a bloody pulp.

**Skywalker T-65: "Kisuke: Give the hat away to some random pedestrian (or the author, your choice)." **

"The hat...is God," came the gargled response. With what little strength Kisuke has from where he's hanging upside down from the ceiling, he pulls his hat out from nowhere and struggles to lift his hand. I gingerly take it from him and place it on my head.

**"Rukia: Find Strawberry and make sure he's not dead."**

Rukia nods and trots off. Kaien and I pass the time by untying Kisuke and placing him down on the floor so he can rest.

**"Yoruichi: ...Honestly, I don't have any ideas for her. She would do anything so it wouldn't be fun."**

"Hey, I'm not that easy," Yoruichi says, placing her hands on her hips. She smiles, nonetheless.

"But you _are _right. I'm always up for a challenge." Rukia walks back on the scene then.

"He's not dead, but he's close. He's in a coma," she says, noticeably amused. "He'll snap out of it soon."

**loverofgin: "So super excited for my upcoming wedding." :D**

"Y-yeah," I stammer nervously, struggling to get a very bruised and battered Kisuke into his suit.

"In fact, your wedding's right on top of us, so we're going to have to postpone your question and your dare 'till next chapter." I whip out my Bible, don my preist's uniform and whisk Kisuke away through my portal along with Rukia, Yoruichi and Kaien.

I straighten up as we land in a room within the Kuchiki house. Pews packed full of Soul Reapers are lined along the walls. I take Kisuke's hand and guide him to the fore of the room.

Most of the people attending seem happy. Some don't. One of those just so happens to be Byakuya, who is pissed off that the wedding is taking place in his manor.

"Because I'm lazy, I'm going to skip through the whole holy matrimony stuff and get to the point," I say, and turn to Kisuke, who looks a little more sober than before. He smiles stupidly then and says to the audience, "I'm getting married." Everybody blinks.

"Kisuke Urahara, do you take loverofgin to be your wife?" I ask bluntly.

"Yes," he says, giddy.

"Loverofgin, do you take Kisuke Urahara to be your husband?"

**To be continued...**

**Coming up next chapter, the conclusion to loverofgin's wedding! Yoruichi will remain next chapter to answer loverofgin's question and carry out her dare.**

**Yoruichi, Kaien, Rukia and special guests Renji Abarai and a comatose Ichi will be joining us! For all my readers, don't hesitate to ask Ichigo questions or give him dares. With me around, I can assure you he won't be comatose for long...**


	6. Chapter 6

Renji Abarai strides onto the scene, gives a big wolf-ish yawn, and plops down onto my couch.

"Yo." Nobody minds him. We're all too busy watching a flashback scene on the plasma T.V. screen mounted on my wall.

_**loverofgin: "I do." :) **__Kisuke leans forward and kisses loverofgin-appropriately mind you. Everyobody save for Byakuya, who is still sulking over his manor being used for the location of a wedding, jumps up and begins to shower the newlyweds with blossoms and petals. I trip over the tail of my preist's outfit and face-plant, getting trampled by passerby. _

The flashback is fuzzy after that, mostly because I drank some punch that Kiyone and Sentaro spiked and I hurt all over from being stampeded.

"Now," I say, "to loverofgin's delayed question and dare."

**loverofgin: "Yoruichi: Does Soi Fon ever freak you out?"**

Yoruichi, who's sitting in a comfy recliner nearby drinking some milk props her legs up on Kisuke's shoulders from where he sits in the floor in front of her, using him as a foot rest.

"Yes, sometimes. I'm actually beginning to think she's not interested in men at all."

"WELL THAT WAS OBVIOUS!" we all cry out.

**"And your dare: I want you to tell captain Kenpachi that you love him."**

"Finally!" she cries, throwing her arms up in the air. "I was starting to suspect I was just going to have to lay around here forever." Yoruichi nudges Kisuke aside and pats him on the shoulder as she passes him. "I'd like to see _you _try this!" She grins widely and hops into my portal.

Back in the barracks of squad 11, Kenpachi is sitting at his desk, mulling whether he should pile his paperwork onto Yumichika or just get Yachiru to pick someone to do it. Right about then, Yoruichi materialized into thin air. She landed stylishly on both feet and looked around a moment before finally seeing him. "Oh," she said, and trotted lithely over to him before throwing herself rather wantonly across his desk.

"Who the hell are you?" he groused, bored out of his ever-loving mind.

"Captain Kenpachi," she crooned.

"What?" he snapped. Yoruichi scooted forward until she was inches from his face and said, "I love you." There was a raucous rustling of papers being dropped, and Yoruichi looked over her shoulder just in time to see Soi Fon drop a stack of files that she'd been ordered to oversee the transferal of. She gaped. "YORUICHI, HOW COULD YOUUUUU?"

"There's no telling how that will go," I say, and close the portal. Renji, who is sprawled out across the sofa, looks agitated and is picking at a seam on his clothing. Kaien is playing _Scrabble _with Rukia, Kisuke is scrutinizing a stain on the floor, and over in the corner of a room is a gurney with its present cargo: comatose Ichi. The faint beat of a heart monitor can be heard, along with the almost inaudible "plip" of the IV drip.

**Hotaru-Naichingeru: "Anyways, this is for Kaien, and it's simple."**

I sit down with a slushie in the corner as Kaien halts his game with Rukia, long enough to hear,

**"Get a job, buy a nice house in a good neighborhood. Propose to..."**

"That's all good," I say, breathing out, head lolling back, "but what's the butt clencher?"

**"KEVVY TALKS! (You're welcome)" **I spew my cherry slushie all over the place.

"GAAH! ME?"

"He's going to be a literary teacher," Rukia said.

"No, he's going to be an art teacher," Kisuke corrects her.

"I like art," I mumble, still laying on the ground, winded from the shock. I spasm slightly.

"Art teacher it is, then," Renji says.

"I already have a house," Kaien points out. Everyone who's seen the Shiba household and knows what it looks like blanches.

"I like his house," I say quietly. Everyone looks stupefied by that. I stand up then and brush myself off. Kaien walks over to me at that moment, shuffles awkwardly, then gets down on one knee.

"Ugh..." I fall back flat on the ground, fainting.

**"Tell me what the Youtube thing says about my macarena thing now. (I'm being nice now)."**

Kisuke goes over to my laptop and signs on to Youtube. "It has over 50,000 views," he says, and scrolls down to read the comments.

**Mayuri Kurotsuchi: Nemu! What is this Tube thing? Dissect it!**

**Chojiro Sasikibe: How...intriguing...**

**Kevvy Talks: I can't bear to watch, but it's so sexy I have toooo!**

I groan somewhere nearby as Kaien tries to revive me.

**Kalthurin: "Hey, Kevvy, can you get the entire group to strip bare and jump into a giant barrel of liquid chocolate?"**

"YES!" I declare, pointing my finger heavenward. With fluid movements, I push everybody into my portal, haul Renji off my couch, and we are all transported to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

Of course, comatose Ichi didn't come with us because he's strapped to a gurney and hooked to an IV feed, so for the moment he's going to be left out of this little trip. I look down at the gargantuan barrel of liquid chocolate just below the platform we're all standing on. I step onto the rail and lean over a bit to get a good look, but I accidentally slip and fall headfirst into the liquid sweet below.

"Aw, man," Renji groans, and takes off his shirt and strips down to his boxers. Yoruichi, who has just walked onto the scene, doesn't appear to have a problem getting completely naked as she is already nude in the first place.

"GAAH!" Renji and Kaien topple over. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAKED?"

She grins. "I had to get away from Soi Fon by changing into my opposite form. I lost my clothes somehow in the process," she says, sounding wistful.

"Nobody look," Rukia hisses. She sheds her clothing and quickly leaps over the railing, landing with a splash in the sticky stuff. I wade over to the edge of the barrel and cling there. Renji and Kaien follow shortly after with Yoruichi, creating a giant wave of chocolate that envelops me and Rukia.

"ACK!" I surface and spit out a mouthful of chocolate-y liquid in Renji's face.

"Ew! Pfft!" He sneezes, trying to get the chocolate out of his eyes. I shake my head. sending chocolate spraying in all directions, and heave myself out of the barrel.

"HEY!" someone screams. "What are you doin'? You can't be in that!" The factory workers run towards us, waving their fists threateningly.

"Oops. Time to bail," Renji says, and hops out of the barrel. Rukia squeals and flash-steps away along with Yoruichi and the others. I pause halfway in my sprint and turn around. "Hey! Where's Kisuke?" I cry. Back in the barrel, Kisuke finally floats to the top from where he'd submerged himself moments before, eating mouthfuls of chocolate at a time.

"Yum," he croons, and continues stuffing his face. I use my portal and transport all of us back to HQ. We all make wet squishy noises as we land on the floor. I turn on a nearby firehose which had been conviently placed there and blast all of them with water, forcing them back up against the wall.

**Skywalker T-65: "Kisuke: Well, I think I tortured you enough so far, but a quick question. Didn't you say in the radio Kon interview way back when that you had hundreds of hats? In that case, so much for the hat being God."**

Kisuke stands up, drying himself off with a towel.

"Yes. But the thought that there are _hundreds _hats only reinforces the notion that it's God," he says. "God is omnipresent, right? Well, if I have hundreds upon hundreds of hats then there's no telling where they are. That makes them omnipresent in a sense." He grins.

**"So, Ichigo's in a coma, eh? Well, I have a way to wake him up...(evil grin). Yoruichi, strip and lay on top of Ichigo till he wakes up."**

**"Rukia: film the whole thing."**

Yoruichi smiles and merely has to fling her towel aside. Renji and Kaien flush, looking elsewhere.

With evenly spaced steps, she strides over to the gurney and slides up onto poor Ichi's comatose body as if it's an artform. The reaction was instantaneous. For a moment I swear I heard the heart monitor flat-line.

"GAAAAAAH!" Ichigo slammed straight through the ceiling, sending drywall flying everywhere.

I stare at the giant hole and look back at Yoruichi, who has landed gracefully on her feet, unharmed. Rukia is standing nearby, poised for action with her handy camcorder at the ready, having filmed the whole thing.

**"Kaien: I don't know, hug the host, I guess." **Kaien walked over and wrapped his arms around me, lifting me up off the ground.

"Aww," I say, reaching over my shoulder and patting him on the head.

**Mangareader125: "So far this is hilarious!"**

I incline my head since I can't bow, considering Kaien is holding me. "Thank you."

**"So here are my dares: Ichigo/Rukia: Go to the human world and tell Isshin that you two are married." **Isshin suddenly slams through the wall, his expression distraught.

"NOOO! WHY WASN'T I INVITED?" he wailed. "HOW COULD YOU ICHIGO?"

Isshin hurries over to an undamaged wall, whips out a giant-ass poster and pastes it there before plastering himself up against the large print of Masaki. He then proceeds to cry and sob and go on and on about he's going to disown Ichigo for being such a terrible son.

Behind him, Byakuya strides through the giant gap in the wall and steps over the chunks of debris to address me about having used his place of residence for loverofgin's wedding.

**"Byakuya: Let Rukia draw Chappy the bunny on your scarf (both sides)."**

"No," he says. Rukia discreetly steps out from behind him with a marker in hand and as Byakuya turns to approach me, everyone sees the horribly drawn scenes on his scarf depicting a rabbit that was dressed as Red Riding Hood and a big bad wolf.

**"Renji: Tell Rangiku that Toshiro will let her hug him then record his hug reaction."**

Renji, who looked rather queasy all of a sudden, did as he was told.

Unfortunately, Renji didn't come back to report what had happened, but when I looked at what had happened on the camcorder, it involved a lot of screaming that went something like this, "OH GODOHNOOHGODGAAAAHSTOP,CAPTAIN, I'M SORRYOHGODAAAAAGHLGH!" The rest of the shit is censored. Rangiku's punishment was a little less worse but included paperwork and no alcohol for a year, maybe less if he got over it.

**"Kaien and Kevvy: I dare you to kiss each other while the others pelt you with rice (not toss, I mean throw as hard as you can)."**

I close my eyes and pucker up for the moment of truth just as Renji began pelting us with rice as hard as they can. The onslaught of rice continued everytime we managed to get close to kissing.

"DAMMIT, I CAN'T KISS IN THESE CONDITIONS!" I shriek. "STOP IT OR I'LL THROW YOU ALL IN THE PIT OF ETERNAL FIRE!"

Everyone goes silent at the mention of The Pit of Eternal Fire, which is basically a giant chasm with burning flames that acts as a dimension a whole lot like Hell, but has Care Bears and Barney the Purple Dinosaur and other cutsie shit which drives you insane. My invention gone wrong.

**"Finally for everyone: dance the Hare Hare Yukai dance w/Ichigo as Haruhi, Kisuke as Yuki, Renji as Mikuru, Rukia as Kyon, and Kevvy Talks as Koizumi (Kaien: videotape this and put it on Youtube)."**

"Koizumi is a boy," I say, "not that I have a problem with that."

"Of course you don't have a problem with that," Ichigo tells me. "You're a freakin' tomboy."

An evil aura begins to permeate the atmosphere around everyone. I glare.

"Not...that that's a bad thing," Ichigo mumbles, shrinking away. I divert my attention from him and fling myself on Kaien. "At least Kaien doesn't have to be tainted!" I wail.

Kisuke pries me from him and drags me forcibly over to the dance floor.

"I DON'T WANNA!"

"Too bad," Ichigo snaps. "You were the one who asked for this." I stick my tongue out at him and follow the movements of the others as we begin dancing.

"I hate you," he growled.

"Back at ya, pal! You're not exactly on my list of most favorite Bleach characters!" I point my right hand to the left at a 180-degree angle by turning my body 45 degrees in the same direction.

"You have a list?" Ichigo asked, intrigued now. I do the "jazz hand" and grin insanely at him in parody of his Hollow. "Yeah!" I announce. "And you're not on it!" Ichigo topples over raucously, tripping Kisuke, who nose-dives into the floor. I tap my head, finishing off the dance moves with flare as everybody behind me falls over like a stack of dominos.

"We'll have to do this over again," Yoruichi says, sitting back in the recliner and munching on pocky. "Take two!" Ichigo and I stomp away in the opposite direction, fuming.

**To be continued...**

**Due to certain circumstances, those of which being Byakuya is an ass and is demanding his lieutenant back, Renji will be leaving and won't be here for the following chapter.**

**In order to compensate for his loss, Gin Ichimaru and Sosuke Aizen will be joining us!**

**The chapter has ended on a sour note because Ichi and I are fighting. Will things return to normal? We'll have to see! Next chappy: Kaien, Rukia, Ichigo, Kisuke, Gin and Aizen will ALL be included in our games. Have fun reviewing everybody! Oh, and for those who ask: Yoruichi won't be joining us either cuz she took off on errands. Until next time!**


	7. Chapter 7

Aizen gazes at me imperturbably, as if I'm of absolutely no significance.

"I do have to commend you for somehow forcing us to this dimension, but I must tell you that all your efforts are futile."

I roll my eyes. "Oh, yes. They're so futile...especially since I have you trapped here and there's no way out."

"I _will _find a way out," he says. I gaze at him blankly. "Your scary look which is meant to induce paranoia isn't working on me," I inform him. "However, it is working on Ichigo." I jab my thumb over my shoulder, gesturing to Ichigo, who is trying to shrug off Kaien and Rukia in order to get at Aizen with Zangetsu. Ichigo is all red-faced and his struggling about, despite the fact that the two have each of his arms pinned down and Kisuke is sitting on top of him Indian style munching on a PB&J. Gin is reclined on the sofa, head propped up on the arm rest as he goes about reading Edgar Allen Poe; his hair is slightly tousled and damp as he'd been scuba diving just before I'd come to retrieve him.

**Anime-kisses: "I'm a lil' sad that my dares weren't done last chappy."**

"Not to worry!" I declare, jumping up into the air. Aizen just looks at me passively, his hands folded demurely in his lap, his back straight as he sits in the chair I'd pulled out for him.

"I'm sorry Anime-kisses. The former chappy was really stretched to make room for everybody else's dares/requests, so I didn't get to you immediately as plan. Thus, I had to postpone it," I explain. "But now we can continue where we left off!"

**"Ichigo and Kaien: Pretend that you guys are dating. I want to see reactions from Rukia and Jushiro."**

"Well, you already have Rukia's reaction," I say, and point over to the aforementioned raven-haired woman. Rukia's jaw is hanging open; she appears to be petrified from the shock.

"I will _not _kiss you," Ichigo growls, complexion flustered. He looks away from his doppleganger and scowls aggressively.

"This is streaming live on webcam," I say, flipping my laptop open. My fingers skim over the keys and I double tap the mouse, unintentionally clicking on a tab that had been minimized to the bottom left hand part of the screen. The blog is restored, revealing a porn site.

My eye twitches spasmodically. "WHO BROUGHT THE PORN UP?" I bellow. "THIS THING IS PG-13, DAMMIT!" Everybody goes still. Kisuke is sending subliminal messages with his eyes to Ichigo. Gin and Rukia point to the orange-haired Soul Reaper without so much as blinking.

"I DIDN'T!" he shrieks. I narrow my eyes, glaring daggers at him, and swivel back aroud in my chair, exiting the site with a simple click. I don't say anything when I see that the webcam had been streaming the entire incident. Elsewhere in Seireitei, Jushiro is hovering over Kiyone and Sentaro's shared computer, in shock.

**"Rukia: Tell Byakuya you're pregnant."**

"I can't," she says.

"Why not?" I inquire, and spastically catapault out of my chair, pointing my forefinger heavenward.

"YOU CAN'T REFUSE A DARE!"

"I can't, simply because it's impossible. I had my tubes tied. I can't have children." Everything goes so still one could hear a cricket chirp nearby. Gin leans over the side of the couch and slaps his hand down on the floorboards, catching the tiny insect. Trapped in the cage that his slender fingers make, he lifts his hand and pops the cricket in his mouth. "Mmm, nutritious!" he chortles, chewing on the thing. I blink.

"You've been pregnant before," I surmise. "Why else would you go to those lengths?" Rukia doesn't say anything, but folds her arms across her chest and subtly meets Kaien's gaze.

My eyes mist over.

"No...!" I cry, all chocked up now. "WAAAAAAAAH!"

I crawl over to my emo corner at the far end of the room and pull my knees up to my chest, a dark aura of dismal gloominess and despair permeating the atmosphere around me.

"Jeez," Ichigo grumbles, sweatdropping.

**"Kevvy: Try and steal Yachiru's candy again, but this time I'll help. Ten bucks says we make it out the window before we're jumped."**

"Kevvy's indisposed!" Ichigo declares.

**"Kisuke: C-can I possibly, if you'll let me...Hold God? LOL all that build up! And can I ruffle your hair?" **

Kisuke smiles and inclines his head, sweeping his hat off and generously holding it out to Anime-kisses. "Of course you may!" he says, lips splitting in a kind smile.

**"Byakuya: Compliment your lieutenant, damn 't! Geez, Renji is awesome, and you need to recognize that, and no half-assing the compliment!" *glares* "I'll come back if it's not good enough!"**

In a separate dimension, many miles away, Byakuya lifts his head from where he'd formerly been bowed over his paperwork, scratching out his kanji with his ink pen.

"Renji," he spoke. The crimson-haired _shinigami _halts in his laborious chore of sweeping the immaculate floors in his superior's office.

"Yes, captain?" he asks, a fine sheen of sweat coating his skin. He tugs the damp material of his collar away from his neck, trying to air himself out slightly.

"You missed a spot," Byakuya says blandly, flicking his wrist with poise in the direction of the neglected area. Renji slumps, disheartened, and trudges over to the indicated section.

**"Kaien and Kevvy: Into the closet 'cause it's 7 minutes in heaven time!"**

A river of tears pours down my face and creates a giant puddle in my emo corner.

"WAAAAAH!"

"Indisposed..." Ichigo mumbles, looking nervous.

**"Rukia and Ichigo: same as Kaien and Kevvy."**

"How am I s'possed to get in the mood with THAT?" Ichigo cries, pointing over to me as I sob hysterically.

Everybody turns just in time to see Rukia dive out a window and charge away. Kaien looks like he is in serious pain.

**"Bring Momo in and let her kick Aizen as hard as she can in the balls! (Aizen, I hate you :))." **

Momo randomly dashes into the room just as Aizen decides to stand up and stretch his stiff limbs out. Her face screwes up as she drives her foot up between his legs and nails him in the crotch, effectively driving the air out of his lungs in one foul swoop. Aizen doubles over, holding his junk. His legs give out under him and he slumps down onto his knees, rocking rhythmically to try and assuage the excruciating pain in his balls. Momo then proceeds to spit in his face and pivots on her heel, striding away with a swagger in her step. Everyone claps except for me.

Urahara sprints over and draws his foot back before commencing to ram the toes of his wooden sandals into Aizen's ribs over and over.

"AGAH!" Aizen tries to scream mercy, but he chocks on his own spittle and is unable to get a word in what with the repeated blows to his stomach and kidneys. This goes on for some thirty minutes.

**Hotaru-Naichingeru: "Kaien, congrats on the relationship!"**

Kaien looks ashamed.

**"Rukia, try to get Isshin to stop crying." **

"Already done. Ichigo beat him to a bloody pulp," Kisuke chirps.

**"And, Gin, go propose to Rangiku." :)**

"I already have," Gin says, grinning. "She always refuses." He sighs dreamily.

**Skywalker T-65: "Kisuke: Well, if the fact there are multiple hats is what makes it God, then why don't you give the one you have with you away? Is it special or something?"**

"I just said its omnipresence supports the notion that it's God. That isn't what _makes _it so," Kisuke says. "And I could give my hat away anytime I desired to. I just don't want to. And it's not special. It's just Godly." A sly grin spreads across his face.

**"In any case, I dare you to paint Aizen's wings pink. Assuming this is the Aizen with the wings and the Mullet o' Death."**

"No, it's just the Aizen with the catholic preist outfit," Kisuke informs.

**"If not, just staple some pink paper wings on his back. Aizen: with your newly ping wings, I dare you to strip and run around the Seireitei yelling "I'm a pretty butterfly!" at the top of your lungs."**

The dingy shopkeeper whips out some pink paper wings and prances over to Aizen's crumpled figure, which is slumped somewhat forward so that his ass is sticking up in the air.

Kisuke slaps the extensions on and hits over them with the stapler, driving the metal clips into the dork with the faggy mullet and a god-complex. Aizen jerks immediately into consciousness and springs up onto his feet, howling uproariously.

"AAAAAAGH!" Flapping his arms about, he dives into my inter-dimension portal, which Ichigo had opened upon Kisuke's command minutes before. The self-proclaimed # 1 nose-dives into the pond outside Ugendo courters, where Ukitake resided, and splashes about erratically a moment before crawling to shore. He then proceeds to scream some more and dart about and through squad stables covered in grime and moss with now blood-covered wings stapled to his back. His howling's the closest thing you could get to him yelling "I'm a pretty butterfly."

**"Gin: Film the whole thing and put it on Youtube, and make sure the Espada can see it too."**

"I already did," Gin says, grinning insanely from ear to ear. He clicks on the comments page and taps on the tab.

**Barragan Luisenbarn: What a disgrace. You mean to tell me I'm actually following THAT?**

**Coyote Starrk: This is some kind of joke, right?**

**Szayel-Aporro Grantz: I'm bored. *eats Lumina***

**Grimmjow Jeagerjaques: I can't get this fuckin' thing to work! Ulquiorra, help me!**

**Ulquiorra Schiffer: I don't fraternize with trash.**

Ichigo looks over at me, wondering if the comments have caught my attention. Of course, I'm still hunched over in my emo corner.

**Skywalker T-65: "Kaien: Actually kiss Kevvy this time (regardless of what people may be throwing at you), and you are welcome Kevvy."**

Kaien moves over to my side, abandoning the shelter of the others. He crouches down by my side and wordlessly taps my shoulder. I am unresponsive for a moment and then I tilt to the side fractionally. He bends down and pecks me on the cheek, then turns and scurries off, lest I throw him in the Pit of Eternal Fire.

**loverofgin: "GIN, GIN, GIN, GIN, GIN!"**

"What, what, what?" Gin asks.

**"I love you a lot. Okay?"**

"Okay." He flashes a winning smile at loverofgin.

**"Sooo, would you please do something for me?" (bats eyes) "I want you to go talk to Sajin and try to put a leash on him and take him on a walk! But don't die!"**

**"Byakuya...I'm so sorry to have been so rude. Could you forgive me?"**

"He forgives you..." I whisper.

Gin rotates over to his other side and flips off the couch. Putting his hands in his pockets, he saunters over to the portal and slips in. After guaranteeing a crazy-ass-load of meat, Gin comes back with Sajin on a leash and a crazy grin on his face.

"Um...can I go now?" Komamura asks, gnawing on a slab of steak.

**Mangareader125: "First of all, Aizen!" *points at him* "You have to go on a date with Momo and make it a double with Gin and Rangiku!" *points at Gin* "Hope you two don't experience a woman's scorn!"**

Rangiku, having been offered the proposition beforehand, strides up to Gin and slaps him across the face, jerking his head abruptly to the right. "How dare you?" she hisses, and whips around, flipping him off as she goes. He just smiles stupidly.

Momo races onto the scene shortly after and knees Aizen in the balls, ticked off that he was asking her out on a date after all he'd put her through.

"No! I won't go out with you!" Tears streaming in rivulets down her cheeks, she turns and straightens her back with what dignity she has left before marching away.

**"Ichigo has to cosplay as Kaien (hair dye optional, but his hair must be Kaien's color) and reenact his death scene with...Kevvy being the Hollow! (Rukia is herself and Kaien as Ukitake! Just don't kill him for real)."**

"Tada!" Kisuke declares, stepping away from Ichigo, who's exactly identical to Kaien.

His hair has been dyed with temporary coloring and he has eye contacts on to mimic Kaien's look.

Regrettably, Rukia has vacated the premises for some reason or another, I am indisposed, and Kaien appears to be constipated. Fueled with heart-break, I just randomly whip out a wooden sword and begin beating Ichigo to death with it.

"How could you, Kaien?" I sob, mistaking the formerly orange-haired teenager to be the aforementioned.

**"And finally, to everyone who isn't dead yet from their respective dares...everyone has to do the caramelldansen (Record and post on Youtube)!"**

A tumbleweed blows by.

Kisuke, who didn't get the chance to flee like the rest of us, plays dead.

**To be continued...**

**Thank you, everyone, for you immense patience during this time. I haven't been doing too well, thus my absence. Right now, Rukia, Ichigo and Yoruichi have taken the chance to flee the vicinity cuz this is the third dare they've had to do concerning a dance. Next chappy, Kisuke, Aizen, Gin, Kaien (who is hiding), and special guest DARK RUKIA will be joining us. I realize Dark Rukia isn't necessarily considered a character; I am doing it in celebration of the english release of Fade to Black.**

**Alchemistofpeace, I will get to your dares; they have been postponed till next chapter.**

**Happy reviewing everyone! **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Oh gee...this is...Well to say the least, I can assume for the moment you are all reading this with your pitchforks raised and bonfires lit. I am incredibly sorry for my absence. I am being sincere, trust me. I didn't mean to let the Q&A go for such an extensive amount of time.**

**I am NOT dead. On the contrary, I've just been focused on my other stories and slamming my head into the wall to oppose the writer's block. Consider this chappy a gift to all those who've been waiting.**

* * *

><p>Kisuke is still playing possum. Apparantly, he hasn't got the memo like the remainder of us.<p>

Aizen is arranged in such a way on the floor he looks like a crumpled heap of dirty, blood-smattered laundry. He appears to have not recovered from the previous chapter's freakshow.

Gin is reclined on the sofa reading Edgar Allen Poe again, grinning to himself for a reason that has no logic considering he's reading from literature of a gothic author.

I'm close by, in a gloomy, brooding state of a sort of constipated unease. I'm tattered at the edges, and my hair is frizzy as my mood has taken a sharp degree south.

I sit cross-legged on the hardwood floors, listlessly tracing a pattern on the immaculate teak.

Dark Rukia, refined and poised, just stands at the far end of the room with her scythe at the ready. Frankly, no one approached her for fear they'd get their head lopped off.

**Alchemistofpeace: "Kaien: Present your undying love to Ukitake-taicho and videotape it (Don't worry, Kev, it's just a dare)."**

I shrug my shoulders lethargically without averting my gaze from the ground.

Kisuke sifts around in a box adjacent the storage unit in the room and clicks his tongue with satisfaction as he uncovers a cherry red camcorder. Lifting himself up from his crouched position, he pats his uniform down and turns the device on after a bit of tinkering with it.

He looks up to discover that Kaien is already on his knees, portraying the cooperative saint who was merely trying to get out of this with his dignity in tact.

"Sir, this is my last will and testament," he speaks, and Kisuke fumbles with a tripod nearby and mounts the camcorder before stumbling several steps backward, face flushed.

"I want you to know now, while I still have it in me...that I'm desparately in love with you. I want to pass on to you the shrine I have embellished for you in your honor...a-and I want you to have the My Little Pony plushie, the bonbons, the scarf and handkerchief I sewed especially for you...and my love."

Kaien sounded the epitome of sober with his head bowed and his hands folded sedately in his lap, that for a stretched minute of uneasy quiet everybody considered the diluded notion that he _meant _what he said.

And then he looked up into the lens, eyes shimmering with unshed tears, and everybody pitched backwards in disbelief and hit the floor.

**"Kevvy Talks: Glomp Kaien as hard as you can."**

After having undergone a straight-out personality replacement in less than a few minutes, I rediscover my fangirl-ish love for Kaien and slam in him with the power of a bull-dozer, effectively propelling him off his feet.

"KYAAAAH!" I commence to glomp Kaien over in the corner.

**Hotaru-Naichingeru: "Gin, you didn't roshambo yet!"**

Gin lifts his head up from where he'd formerly had his nose buried in a book of Edgar Allen Poe.

"I thought that dare was reserved for Urahara and Aizen?" he inquires.

"I'm the master of rock, paper, scissors!" hat-'n-clogs declares nearby.

Aizen collapses on the hardwood floor, foam dribbling from his mouth in copious amounts after rigorous torture in the form of rock, paper, scissors.

"Or maybe it's the other rashambo?" I inquire.

Kisuke charges back over to the incapacitated man and kicks him so hard in the balls he doubles up in the fetal position and proceeds to piss all over himself.

**"Momo, I want you to take this rusty knife covered in a flesh-eating virus, go to Aizen, and stab him where the sun don't shine. Censor it behind a folding screen, though, so you can do it."**

Before anyone could get a word in edgewise, Momo has emerged on the scene, creeping out from behind the recliner. Doing a neat army crawl and then tucking her limbs underneath her to roll, she launches into the air, face twisted in such fury everybody dives for cover.

***CENSORED* **"GAAAAALGHNAAAA!"

Momo emerges from behind the folding screen with blood spatters on her creamy skin and once neat clothing, now slightly rumpled from her savage act. She lifts one soaked hand and laps at her ice cream cone as she exits the scene.

Everyone is too scared to go see what happened to Aizen, so they neglect to check if he requires medical attention.

Adjacent the sofa, Kisuke is simulating what sounds like crying (but is more like gargling) as he dumps the complete contents of an eye drop bottle onto his face after attempting a staring contest with Gin. He hadn't been up to snuff.

Gin had a scary face... and his piercing eyes had caused Urahara's hair to spontaneously combust.

"Waaah...My beautiful hair is singed," Kisuke whines unprofessionally, sifting his fingers through his frizzy blonde locks.

**anime-kisses: "Dark Rukia: Have you ever heard of Shirosaki?" **

Dark Rukia doesn't appear inclined to answer.

**"If not, I think it would be amazing if you met him. So Kevvy, if I can do this, I dare Shirosaki to kiss Dark Rukia!"**

"If you can break the laws of physics, yes," I say. "And it just so happens that I can!"

I snap my fingers and Shirosaki comes crashing unceramoniously through the ceiling, sending chunks of drywall and fiberglass flying everywhere.

It happens by chance that he lands ass over teakettle in front of Dark Rukia, who reacts by swinging her scythe blade through the air.

The great weapon carves through the ceiling like butter as she swings up and then down, successfully nicking the fine hairs from his sideburns...and missing vital body parts by centimeters.

Shirosaki laughs hysterically and jumps up, levitating for a period long enough for him to grab the overlap of her collar and yank her forward while also dodging the next fatal blow. The scythe's blade passes under him, missing its target, and gets lodged into the wall.

His golden yellow irises bore into her smoky lavender ones with a smoldering intensity. Shirosaki inclines his head to kiss her, but she plays hard to get and twists away, grabbing onto the haft of her weapon and tearing it away from the wall. Debris crumbles away and falls to the floor as she dances away with him in hot pursuit.

**"Aizen: Payback's a bitch. Now onto the dares (I'm not done with you yet). Go to Soul Society and tell Kenpachi that you're going to kill Yachiru. Then die. Yay!"**

A couple of days ago before this dare had even been conceived, a rumor had started drifting around Seireitei that Aizen _had _threatened to disembowel Yachiru. After that, well, we'll just say Aizen won't be having children-_EVER _(*cough*he got castrated*cough*). In fact, Aizen is mourning the loss of testicles right now. He lies moaning pitifully over behind the folding screen.

**"Kisuke: Thanks for letting me hold God." **Kisuke beams at his fan. "You are most welcome!" He places his forefinger over his thumb and lifts his hand, bowing his head as if to tip his hat off to the lady. **"It was exhilarating! Sadly, I have to give him back." **Anime-kisses goes to hand "God" back to Kisuke, waving it in his face temptingly before immediately pulling back when he goes to snatch it. **"Sorry, but to get God back, you have to hug me first." **Kisuke jumps, tackle-hugging Anime-kisses.

**Mangareader 125: "Okay, as of now, I, Mangareader 125 will no longer ask you guys to dance to stupid songs so this time I'll ask questions/give out safe dares."**

"Well just don't make it _too _easy for them. I'm sure they like a challenge every now and then..." I eye Aizen's bloodied form where he lay in view as Gin did away with the folding screen. "Especially Sosuke."

**"Everyone!: Wear one of Kisuke's hats! Kisuke: If you could go back in time and change something in your life, what would it be?"**

Everybody save for Dark Rukia (she had dealt extensively with Shirosaki in a morbid corner) stampedes over to a cardboard box Kisuke is holding out at arm's length.

He yelps as Kaien trip and just barely misses a collision with the poor, worn-out shopkeeper.

I twirl my spanking-new bucket hat in my hand and place it on my knee as I sit Indian-style next to Gin, who has his acquired accessory tipped down over his eyes. His face was shadowed, but even my prying eye could detect that he was dozing.

"If I could go back...I would..." Kisuke's brow furrows as he masters an expression of deep thought, and then a grin splits his face "...drink that second carton of milk I stole from Yoruichi instead of putting it back!"

A lone shoe hurtles through the air like a heat-seeking missile and hits Kisuke square in the head. "You ass, I KNEW that was you!" Yoruichi shrieks from somewhere far away.

**"Dark Rukia: Dress up like your older sister and go to Byakuya and pretend that you are still alive."**

Dark Rukia blinks placidly and I guardedly approach her with my hands poised inches from my face in case I need to defend. Not that it would make a difference, she could just lop them off.

After carefully instructing her to redress behind a oriental folding-screen, she departs.

_**15 Minutes Later...**_

Time seems to drift by on the clock in only a matter of seconds before the portal opens and Dark Rukia steps through. She says nothing, just walks back over to her place near the wall and stands still as a statue. On her attire, I uncover the mini-camera I'd planted.

In only fifteen minutes, this was what transpired: A somewhat lackluster quest woven through Seireitei and into the grounds of the Kuchiki residence, a simple walk into Byakuya's private courters and...

_"I know it's you, Rukia," Byakuya said without looking up from his paperwork. Unabashed, Dark Rukia turned around and left the primises._

"Damn. Nothing gets past Byakuya," I grumble.

**"Aizen: How far along in your plans are you?"**

"Half past dead with a sentence of 20,000 years in prison on his head," I answer, since Aizen is incapable.

"**Gin: Go to Rangiku and explain why you went with Aizen (you belong together, damn it!"**

Gin smiles wistfully. "Somehow I think she already knows." He closes his book with a "thump" and stands, striding over to the bookcase at the far end of the room to replace it with some other work of literature.

" 'sides, last I heard, she was in a relationship with Shuu, if I'm not mistaken."

Everybody present knew Shuuhei was no player. I doubted the relationship, if there was any, would see through a month.

**"Kaien: If you met your Hollow counterpart (Espada), would you kick his ass (even though you are kicking your own ass?"**

"Hell yeah!" Kaien yells, pumping his fist in the air. "That bastard would deserve what he has comin' to 'im. Anyway, we're not of one entity anymore, so technically, it's not even _my _ass."

He looks at me and slaps me whole-heartedly on the back, nearly sending me flying head over tail. "I have Kevvy to think for that!"

**"Kevvy: How about we go ask Ukitake for some candy (he must be loaded with the sweets)."**

"Alright, I'm in!" I declare, and open my portal to begin a new journey.

**To be continued...**

**I apologize for the delay. Dredging up any fashion of enthusiasm lately has been difficult. Reading all of your reviews has helped me get back on my feet. I'm only sorry that it took so long to do so. **

**Right now, I'm suffering a bad spell of writer's block, so I do hope you'll all bear with me and that none of my readers have deserted this fic.**

**To all those who posted dares or questions and did not see them on this chapter: I have postponed them until the next one so that I wouldn't have to pointlessly stretch this section.**

**Dark Rukia is leaving us now 'cause she's partially a killjoy, but next chappy, OLD MAN YAMA WILL BE JOINING US, so do get ready to bombarde him with all sorts of stuff.**

**Gin, Kaien, Aizen (whom I'm intent on keeping just for the sake of torture) and myself will remain present. Next chapter will be Kaien's last before he leaves us, so if anybody has anything else to ask of him, do it now. Thanks for all the awesome reviews, guys!**


	9. Chapter 9

"I'M ALIIIIIIIVE!" I declare, my arms helt out in front of me as I rise from the ground fog that has randomly manifested in the room. Dramatic lighting centers in on the backdrop, accenting a very unremarkable Kisuke, who is supposed to be playing the star to energize the moment for the newest episode of my Q&A.

Instead, he's slumped over on the floor, snoozing...much like everybody else, who has decided to check out on my extremely long hiatus.

"Hey...I know I've been gone for awhile," I begin, "BUT THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT YOUR HOST!" My voice shoots up several octaves, booming.

Kaien, who had been perched on the arm of the sofa, head bobbing in deep sleep, falls off and lands in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Kisuke recoils, whining about the volume on the T.V., of which I am not.

Gin just looks mildly groggy, but doesn't exhibit any of the over-the-top reactions the others show. He sits up on the couch and cocks his head back, stretching.

Old man Yama, who hasn't been here for long, just stands off to the side of the room, as though he doesn't know what to make of this very problematic dilemma he's gotten himself into. He had only just arrived at this odd dimension and already people were talking about childish, fun-filled games. And who _were _these people, anyway? he pondered.

He watches with a bit of morbid curiosity as I go over and begin whacking Kisuke with his own paper fan, which effectively mangles the poor accessory from said whacking.

"MY FAN!" Kisuke howls, snatching the tattered thing forcefully from my grasp and cradling it to his chest, keening over its early death.

Yamamoto could have all but scoffed at the shop-keeper's spineless attitude until he sees Aizen, who isn't being given any reprieve from his torturing and is now suffering **Kalthurin's **rage at the end of some serious steel-toed boots being rammed into his crotch. It appears that Sosuke had undergone previous brutality...mainly to his manhood, because most of him was a battered pulp.

It was nothing short of what he deserved, but Yamamoto still found it to be inhumane; it was certainly a more costly sentence than one should have to be submitted to.

**silentgirl4351: "Captain-Commander Yamamoto, can you name some of the most annoying captains you have ever worked with? Just asking."**

"Hm?" Yamamoto archs a thick brow, hands placed one over the other on his cane. He doesn't feel all that inclined to answer the question, but he is flattered someone new called him captain-commander.

"Ah. That would be Kyoraku and Zaraki. Shunsui never did know how to stop drinking. And when it came to women...his duty was a distant second. He was always the prodigal son, but for what it's worth, he is a very fine man.

He just doesn't use his strong-suits often enough." The old general exhaled wistfully, clearing his throat to continue.

"As for Zaraki...his performance is self-expanatory. Dereliction, recklessness, endangerment to others. It's hard to get someone so bent on violence to listen to authority..." He trailed off, reliving bad memories, no doubt.

**Kisuke: "You are one of my favorite characters of all time!"**

"Why, thank you!" Kisuke says, pleased.

**"Anyway, can you list me a couple of experiments that I might make in the future? I'll gladly be your apprentice." Silentgirl** brings out her notepad as Kisuke stands up, having quickly gotten over the damage done to his fan and just whipping out a spare from his _haori _sleeve.

"Of course. But only if you're ready to accept a life frought with danger! After all, your later lessons will include using completely random strangers as guinea pigs, just like Kevvy here!"

Kisuke waves off-handedly to me, and everybody turns to look, including Gin, who cranes his head back on his neck to peer behind him. My hair has gone from auburn to black in little to 5 minutes.

"I thought that tea tasted strange," I say, eyes narrowing dangerously.

"Anyways, the best potion you could possibly concoct is a truth syrum! It may be old hat, but it never dies!"

"I LIKE CRACKERS!" I scream randomly, having become subject to said syrum.

**"Ichigo: I dare you to bring out your Hollow in the real world and let him loose for one hour."**

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><p>Somewhere on the horizon, an exceptional teenage substitute Soul Reaper begins trying to peel the roof of the Kurosaki house like a sardine can. He then strips naked and flies down the street plowing down pedestrians as he goes.<p>

He excepts some brownies from an old street vendor named Ken who likes turning innocent passerby around when they inquire to him for directions.

The Hollow Ichigo doesn't know the brownies are laced with pot and spends the next hour bouncing around town tripping balls all day long.

* * *

><p><strong>Silentgirl<strong> smiles deviously.

**"Aizen: Screw you. What you have done to every character in the Bleach series is unacceptable. I dare you to stand up to all the Captains of the Gotei 13 with all your powers sealed. MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!" **

A very mangled, blood-spattered, castrated Aizen stands up, staggers on the spot, his faggy curl sweeping into his eyes.

He does as he's told. Frankly, no one thinks he'll come back, so no one bids any adieus.

I just stuff my piehole with the bulky draw-string bag of candy I'd gotten from Ukitake. **Mangareader125** had also gotten a large portion of the loot, so we were pretty much set for a month or more.

Kaien scoots over to me and I give him a handful of Lifesavers and bonbons while using the other hand to open the portal.

Aizen stumbles over the threshold of the gateway and it closes behind him, shrouding his world in darkness. He approaches the light at the end of the narrow tunnel and steps out into the clear air of the _Seireitei._

All at once and without warning, the captains of the Gotei 13 engage their bankais. Toshiro freezes Aizen's balls and Chojirou electrocutes him with his mighty lightning bolts, causing him to go into the throes of violent seizures.

As Aizen flops around like a dying fish, Soi Fon takes it upon herself to stab him in the rectum with her _Suzumebachi_, which manifests a nice ass-tattoo.

A long draw-out siren wail (which Aizen's screaming sounds like) makes everyone wince as Byakuya's thousand cherry blossom blades turn him into mince meat. And then _Kokujo Tenken Myo _pounds him into the ground with a single fist, turning Aizen into a giant-ass smear that integrates him with the landscape...permanently.

**Back To The Present...**

**SkywalkerT-65: "Kisuke and Yamamoto: Declare your undying love for each other! Complete with YouTube video and flowers, all that stuff."**

Kisuke feels a cold shiver travel down his spine and settle like a heavy rock in his stomach.

I whip out a camcorder and grin deviously as he flounders for a moment and weakly says, "I love you...?" to Yamamoto. The old man's eyes narrow and...he flames Kisuke.

And no, readers, I don't mean the kind of verbal flames we sometimes get by rude critics.

I mean old man Yama roasts Kisuke with the raw energy of his zanpaku-to.

Smoke billows up from his cooked body and Kaien sprinkles some flower petals on him as **Skywalker **requested.

**"Aizen: Hmm...what to do...I know! Kisuke use that potion of yours from a while back on him! That will be funny."**

"You mean the one with estrogen?" I ask, eyes owlishly big. Gin snickers nearby.

Because Unohana was opposed to violence, she hadn't released her bankai for **Silentgirl's **dare, but she had utilized her skills in the medical field and had, yes, injected his bloody corpse with estrogen. Aizen was just a pulverized pulp, but he managed to whine about how his nipples were sore before dying.

**"Gin: Well for him...go marry Rangiku whether or not she wants to."**

Gin comes rolling on by with Rangiku slung over his shoulder in a white frilly dress and tiara.

She pounds her fists into his back as she yells, "PUT ME DOWN!"

He just chuckles and grins at me, lips spread wide showing off his amazing dental work.

"Women," he says, shaking his head, and goes off to forcibly marry Rangiku.

**"Kaien: Apologize to Kevvy...we need the author in a good mood."**

"Why, because I would kill everyone otherwise?" I say.

"Good moods are productive," Kaien says.

"But it's cool. I'm fine. I've restrained myself from exacting revenge through a homicial rage that could possibly wipe out life as we know it." I give all present a creepy little smile and lower myself onto the sofa where Gin had stationed himself earlier.

The atmosphere of the room is oddly still. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that Kisuke and Aizen were both dead. I just sigh and watch as Kaien packs his things to leave this dimension.

**the ultimate kh fan: "Kaien: I dare you to reenact what Gin did to Rangiku with Byakuya."**

"It's your last dare," I say.

"Yeah, and a bit vague," Kaien tells me. "Ichimaru did a lot of things to Rangiku."

I shake my head in admonishment and cross my arms. "Readers, you must be more specific with your dares." Just by thinking it, I mentally transport Byakuya to the room, who stands before us with a calligraphy brush in one hand and a cup of spice tea in the other. His eyes narrow dangerously when he spots us and he blinks slowly to convey his disdain at being unwillingly teleported here.

"What is it now?" he inquires. Kaien flings himself on Byakuya and cries out dramatically, "Don't leave me Gin!" With a swift snap of his wrist, the noble slaps him across the face. Kaien jerks away and Byakuya glowers at him before turning to leave, the tail of his scarf streaming out behind him.

**To be continued...**

**Ah, well, due to the aggressive nature of this chapter, two characters are dead, Gin is absent and Kaien is now leaving.**

**And because this chapter was so long and the remaining dares involved Kisuke and Aizen (who are dead), I had to cut it into two parts. This is the first time I've posted two chapters at once, so I hope you'll all review and continue promoting this.**

**Don't be hesitant to put questions out there. This is, after all, a Q&A (question and answer). Questions are welcome, and I'll be glad to answer them. In response to a review I got by ****Everything Fades to Black, ****all my hiatuses are temporary, so don't cry. :)**

**I work extensively on the Auction and my other multi-chap fics, so when I do get free time it's especially hard to concentrate on one thing for long. I'm sorry I don't pay much attention to this, and I hope the extra chapter makes up for a little.**

**ZangetsuJakes, I saw your review, so it's your lucky day! I've updated this today and I'm doing not one chappy but two.**


	10. Chapter 10- Part 2 of Chap 9

After becoming a landmark as a giant-ass smear in _Seireitei's _eastern courtyard, Aizen was, to a lesser degree, successfully revived... apart from his balls now being test-icicles and his ass having a giant tattoo that wouldn't go away unless Soi Fon willed it to.

Kisuke had also been resuscitated too, and was keeping a generous distance from Yamamoto, who's head bobbed every other minute when he fell asleep on his feet. I on the other hand was pitching a shower of confetti into the air and dancing around funny. "Happy belated birthday, **ZangetsuJakes**!" I declare.

Kisuke just sweatdrops, feeling a bit woozy and light-headed from the resurrection process.

"I'm unreliable when it comes deadlines, and I'm a serious procrastinator, but I would never forget to do something special for a faithful reader. So I'll definitely follow through with your request." Kisuke tips his hat and stylishly whips it off with a flick of his wrist to give it to **ZangetsuJakes.**

Gin, having returned from taking Rangiku hostage and forcibly marrying her, walks over into a pin-straight tuxedo and goes in for an open-armed hug. I can't deny it's sort of creepy seeing the former 3rd taichou embracing somebody.

**Everything Fades to Black: "Well...I dare the best character ever...(a.k.a. Kisuke Urahara) to eat popcorn while everyone else beats the crap out of each other! Also can I have one of your hats? Last thing...This story is beast!"**

"I know," I say, and grin eerily.

"Of course! There are tons of hats to go around!" Urahara says. He walks over to a nearby closet that wasn't there before and twists the knob, opening the door and causing an avalanche of hats to come crashing down on him.

" 'ee what I... 'aid?" Kisuke's muffled voice came from under the pile amassed as high as the ceiling.

Gin pops Kisuke's snack out of the microwave and pours it into a bowl. Hat 'n Clogs' hand rises slowly out the hill of bucket hats and Gin sets the bowl in it. He pulls it under the pile with him and the conspicious sound of munching can be heard.

That's about when I get a fist in the face from Aizen for subjecting him to extreme abuse.

Yamamoto then hits him over the head with his cane and Gin jumps in to knee him in the groin, and I go over to make peace, and somehow get dragged into it again.

Urahara climbs out of the mountain of hats and leaves to give one to **Fades to Black **with his bowl of popcorn in hand.

After everything's all said and done, I'm sitting on the couch with a bloody everything and Gin's using Aizen's back as a trampoline, which issues the continuous sound of bones cracking and snapping. Yamamoto merely spectates, not even flinching at the stomach-turning noises. I groan, nauseated, and go get an ice pack while the destruction continues.

**Tahlia Ookuzi: "I have one dare and one dare alone. Every single person in the room who has just heard this dare must do it: KISS EVERY PERSON AROUND YOU INCLUDING (MY OC) SAKIA."**

Saki begins panicking over kissing Kisuke (as he is married) while I turn to weed out all those who heard the dare being announced.

"First we're kicking each other's asses and now we're kissing and making up?" I say.

Aizen, rather regrettably, didn't hear it. One of his eardrums had been busted when Yamamoto gave him a giant whammy in the side of the head with his cane. His other ear had filled up with flood, and to top that off he was momentarily unconscious.

Gin just grins and looks at Yamamoto through narrowed eyes, but the Old Man lifts his cane with intent to murder and he leans away. I shriek as I turn and end up face-to-face with Kisuke, who is all puckered up and rearing to go. "NO WAY!" I yell.

He persists with the expression, and I finally grumble under my breath and lean in to peck him on the cheek.

Swooning, he goes over to glomp Sakia and begin smooching with her.

A foot away from me, Gin moves in on Yama again with a wide grin splitting his face.

The general retaliates immediately with a death-glare, thwarting Gin again.

Gin sighed, and went over to molest somebody else...Sakia, maybe. He didn't dare try to hone in on me. He knew better.

Kisuke was just finishing up chatting with Sakia about something related to body heat, so Gin decided to swoop in for the kill.

That was about when **Kisukelover **flew out of fucking nowhere and tackled Kisuke, driving him to the ground. And then the reader promptly began molesting Kisuke thoroughly, which includes kissing him and petting him and declaring ownership of him.

Kisukes coughs softly as the molestation goes on. "Um...aren't we getting a bit too friendly?" he asks, and I just start laughing. But then pain lances down my side where I'd broken a couple of ribs and I start hacking instead. I curse Yama for hitting me with his damn cane.

Nearby, Gin has briefly abandoned thoughts of molesting Sakia and has gagged and hogtied Aizen as per **ZangetsuJake's **request.

He's now suspended from the ceiling and looks much like a demented disco ball with bloody sequins and sparkle glued to his body. He twirls helplessly and unconsciously (lucky for him or he'd been in twice the pain) while Kisuke begins shaking his ass to a tune from the Bee Gees.

He struts around the room as Gin records his work on camcorder of the now partially nude, bare-chested Aizen who is in a pair of humiliating Hello Kitty boxers. Going unsuspected by the audience in the room, a clone of Gin creeps out from behind the couch and twirls his finger, creating a swirly, rainbow portal. He hops in and goes to frolick with **ZangetsuJakes **into parts unknown...which is just about the most random thing that has happened yet in this Q&A.

As for the responses on YouTube the video of piñata-Aizen got, these were some of the few:

**Zommari Leroux: I can't...bear to watch...It's just...too unspeakable.**

**Grimmjow Jeagerjaques: How do you get blow jobs on this thing?**

**Ichigo Kurosaki: This isn't PornTube, you jackoff.**

**Lillinette Gingerback: Aizen used to take arrows to the knee, but now he just takes balls to the face.**

**Nnoitora Jiruga: ANYONE WHO TALKS ABOUT ARROWS TO THE KNEE AGAIN WILL GET THEIR FUCKING THROAT TORN OUT.**

**Tesla: I used to get my throat torn out all the time, but now I just take arrows to the knee.**

**Nnoitora Jirgua: TESLA? YOU'VE GOTTA BE FUCKING JOKING ME!**

**Neliel Tu Odelshvank: Kony 2012!**

**Nnoitora Jiruga: Go die in a hole, Nel.**

**Kevvy Talks: I like taking arrows to the knee.**

**Nnoitora Jiruga: GODDAMMIT!  
>Coyote Starrk: You know, you should support this Kony thing. It seems pretty serious.<strong>

**Neliel Tu Odelshvank: I changed my mind. No more Kony.**

**Nnoitora Jiruga: oh thank god...**

**Neliel Tu Odelshvank: I WANNA TAKE ARROWS TO THE KNEE! YAY!**

**Nnoitora Jiruga: *slams head into keyboard***

" 'Converting people to taking arrows to the knee, one user at a time' should be YouTube's logo or something," I say.

**the ultimate kh fan: (insert psychopathic look here)**

Kevvy inserts her own psychopathic look. "Right back at ya."

**"Gin: Dude, you are beast, man."**

Gin just smiles.

**"I dare you to tell Rangiku how much you love her before french kissing her."**

"I already did," Gin says, propping his elbow up on the arm rest of the couch and cradling his chin in his palm. He flips the channel on the T.V. to one of a video he took during his wedding with Rangiku, which basically shows him shoving his tongue very intimately into her mouth while she tries to tear his hair out.

"She told me my behavior was inexcusable," he sighs. "But she did give me a very nice hickey!" He beams, pulling his collar down to show the savage claw mark traveling down his neck all the way to his collar bone.

"Um..." Everyone looks at it skeptically, now sure how to tell Gin that the wound was made out of hatred, not passion...though we were all sure he was aware of that and he was playing around.

**"Aizen: I dare you to kiss Momo full on the lips and quite letting everyone beat yo ass up!"**

We all swivel to look at Aizen, who is still hanging limp from the ceiling.

"It's not that he's allowing it to happen, he's just unable to defend himself. Aizen is the strongest character I've had here yet and I couldn't have him destroying this dimension trying to escape," I explain.

"Therefore, I incapacitated him and disabled his powers. So, as you can see, he's very incapable of helping himself. Also, I thought the Bleach world and many readers would like to vent their rage on him, so...yeah. That's why."

Momo immerges on the scene and begins chewing Aizen's face off. Gargled screams erupt from him and he begins flailing, but to no avail. It wasn't exactly a kiss, but it could possibly be defined as a kiss of savagry.

**the ultimate kh fan **gave her next to last dare, which involved spin the bottle and kicking Yamamoto with steel-toed boots. Meanwhile, I snapped by fingers, causing a series of events completely unrelated to my dimension.

* * *

><p>Byakuya was trying to fall asleep. He had a lot on his mind, so it was reasonable to be restless, yet... Maybe it was because Rukia was at such a distance from him.<p>

She _was _in the world of the living with that hoodlum, Kurosaki. God only knows what incarnal thoughts a teenager like him dreamt up. Deflowering women, possibly. But if he thought he was good enough for one of the prestigious Kuchiki, he was dead wro-

A black, abysmal hole opened up in the ceiling, spitting out two figures of varying size onto Byakuya's mid-section and effectively driving all the wind out of his lungs in one swift _whoosh._

He puts his hands under him and tried to sit up while he made out the faces of Ichigo and Rukia...who were on top of each other...and on top of him.

And Kurosaki had his pants around his ankles. Byakuya felt a blood vessel in his forehead pop and he instantly drew his zanpaku-to from beside his bed and chanted its name, causing cherry blossoms to explode from the hilt and throw Ichigo through the wall.

It was too bad, really. It all happened so fast, Ichigo never had the chance to explain that he'd been suddenly teleported into the Kuchiki estate while he'd been in the bathroom, trying to take a dump. But after that, he'd definitely been planning to jump Rukia.

* * *

><p>The spin the bottle had gone seriously wrong. Soi Fon is now in the closet trying to hump Yoruichi, so I decide to take it upon myself to create an instantaneous explosion of forbidden kido seeing as how Yamamoto is infinitely reluctant to do it himself.<p>

He withers under the pressure of the flames from his bankai's ultimate attacks and everyone invited to the spin the bottle session runs over in steel-toed boots with spikes adorning the front to kick him in the nuts. While **the ultimate kh fan **laughs demonically.

"Why do you people want to torture Yama?!" I cry. "He was busting a cap in Juha Bach-who-wasn't-really-Juha-Bach's ass until he died a valiant death! Cut him some slack, guys."

Neko Ichigo walks up to me out of nowhere, pointy, folds of flesh protruding from his head that are covered in a fine layer of fur. His tail flicks into view, the same tone as his hair color, but with darker stripes.

He hisses irritably at Kisuke, who comes too close, and walks over to me.

"Change me back, this instant!" he declares. I whip out my old switch cane and he ducks as I swing it inches from his face. Shirosaki dives out of a wide portal in the ceiling and slams into Ichigo, causing them both to crumple to the floor.

The albino mirror-image of himself recovers quicker than he does and grabs Ichigo by the front of his shirt, sealing his lips over his counterpart's. Ichigo squeals, struggling, and I walk past the flailing entangled bodies.

"Well, this chapter was longer than intended, but I hope I covered everything I've fallen behind on," I say. "Until next time, readers!" Nearby, Ichigo goes into heat and begins humping Shirosaki's leg.

Yamamoto, now all healed, roasts a barbecue for **Everything Fades to Black **and the rest of us with the raw energy flowing from his blade. I take a seat at the table, Kisuke burps softly from indulging in a soda earlier, and Gin sits down on a whoopie cushion, causing a massive fart to rip through the room. Shirosaki starts laughing his ass off.

**To be continued...**

**Next chapter, Kisuke (of course), Aizen, Aaroniero, Nnoitora and Grimmjow will be here, so feel free to do anything to them. Yamamoto's temporarily away on business, but he'll be back. Aizen is going on for another chapter because I'm very sadistic and I like the creative ways you all use to torture him. :)**

**The arrow to the knee thing in the YouTube section above was very spontaneous.**

**It came at me out of nowhere. It was inspired by a fueled rant my brother had with me about the "arrow to the knee" craze that was spreading on YouTube.**

**He mentioned the line Lillinette uses, and it was so funny, I had to put it down.**

**MaxInu23 and Mollipop595, I hope you liked your dares and I'm sorry I couldn't put your reviews up there. I was pressed for time. :)**

**I hope you all liked the back-to-back chapters, and for any dares that were recent, they will be on the following chapter.**


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